honest thoughts on 27

In exactly one month and two days, I will turn 27. For many, this is probably just a number. Another birthday - three more to the big 3-0, no big deal. And really, that's what it is. But at the same time, 27 to me is a moment in my life that I have to take a step back and take stock in what's happening and if I'm okay with the answers. 

Am I happy? Am I doing what I love? Do I even know what I love to do? And the big question - finding love. The one. That magical, mystical ONE. My soul mate. The man of my dreams. Prince Charming - the names for him can go on and on and on. 

Shortly before I turned 25 I had a quarter-life crisis for one exact reason - 27. My younger self randomly, and to this day I can't decide why, picked the age of 27 as a good age to get married, and start having kids. When that tiny thought randomly popped into my mind while folding laundry one day in February that year, I had a mini heart attack. I was nearly 25 - single -- sooooo single - and prospects weren't looking good for a change in that prediction coming true. But I took a step back and realized, I still had two years for all of that movie magic to happen. I mean, really when you think about it, finding your soul mate is a pretty easy concept in the end. You meet them, you know, and boom. Done. I know the rest is hard, but the actual physical meeting and realization of knowing you've found the person you want to spend your life with, well, that should be easy, right?

Then I lost my job. 

Then I ended up at Nanny School.

Then I moved to D.C., turned 26 and still found myself as a "singleton" as one of my favorite heroine's Bridget Jones would say. 

But I stepped back again at 26 and said to myself - you just moved here, there are PLENTY of men - you have a whole year. 

And now, here I sit, one month and two days away from 27. Still single. 

In the grand scheme of things, this problem isn't really a problem in the real world. There are such worse realities and issues people face on a daily, minute by minute basis. I get it. Trust me, I'm not out there agonizing over my single-ness being a world crisis situation. If you know me at all, you know I don't put much stock in this single, dating, married life hierarchy. Still, it's a thought I have when going out to lunch alone or wanting to go to a movie - and doing it alone if my tiny circle of friends here are busy. 

Last night, a blogger I love, posted a photo of her brother on instagram recounting all the wonderful things he had done for her that day without being asked because she's on bed rest. She finished the story off with "Ladies, he's single :)" and I jokingly replied that it's nice to know good men are still out there...just unfortunate that he happens to be on the complete opposite coast as me! The struggle is real. Then, a small act of kindness occurred and she responded that it's a struggle she knows many of her friends share and she prays for them daily and she'd add me to her list. It was just a kind word - but that really touched me. Because, let's face it, no one really wants to be alone their whole life. 

While I know I'm not alone in total darkness a la Dory before the angler fish tried to eat her - it's a glaringly harsh reality that I get done with work and have no one to share my triumphs and tribulations with other than my friends and my mom - and they're morally obligated to listen to me rant. (I know my mom is sitting there reading this right now slowly shaking her head "yes" saying, "Oh you got that right..." I love you mom!)

And let's get one thing straight - I'm not some mushy teenager who thinks love stories are all butterflies and rainbows. No. What I'm looking for is something like the second half of Taya's letter to Chris on their wedding anniversary this year, "Today, I have a choice. I can bury myself under the covers and acknowledge the pain of missing you and mourn the future anniversaries without you. Or, I can celebrate never having a day without you in my heart because you loved me enough to leave me a lifetime of memories and beauty. I am somewhere in between today.

And if I didn't tell you enough in life, then let me tell you today... YOU Chris Kyle, are IT for me. YOU are the package deal who makes hanging on worth it.

I loved you yesterday, I love you now, and I will love you all the days of my life.

Thank you for marrying me, even if I'm the one who had to ask you. " -- THAT'S the love I am happy to wait and find.

Truthfully, I'm not ready to get married and have kids now that I'm nearly at my once "ideal age." I'm perfectly content at being able to go where I want to go, when I want to go, and focus on my passions and my future. Still - the comforting realization that there's someone to travel with, to come home to, to share meals with and make big future plans with, that's a life I'm happily prepared to join into, if that's what the whole "significant other" life is about. And having a man who knows how to fix stuff when it breaks and carry big heavy stuff isn't a bad thing either ;)

In the end, May 23rd will come, I will turn 27 and life will go on. I won't be wearing black in mourning, I won't be having a sob fest to a cliche Taylor Swift lyric or sappy Nicholas Sparks movie. In truth - I hope I'll be laughing and drinking with friends, wherever I am that day. Maybe that day I'll make a new prediction to set my sights on. Or maybe I won't. I guess it's just a thing we'll have to wait and see about.